Do re mi

my inner evil

Two entries ago, I mentioned something new that dawned on me. That something new is not really new but it has come up to me in a new light since we are in Geneva. Making more money for people that already has money is just not going to cut it for me anymore. It's not that I was doing that but it could easily have been an important factor for my next job. Living in a place like Geneva can easily throw you off balance. People are extremely poshed and well-dressed. It's not something I am used to anymore. Once, I was caught off guard on the public transport wearing an old coat stained with milk and covered under bread and or cookie crumbs standing next to one of these 50-year-old-Chanel-sunglasses-wearing-LV bag carrying-women. Actually, now I don't care that much. In fact, I think it's funny and I don't mind sticking out like a sore thumb sometimes. Furthermore, these 50-year-old-Chanel sunglasses-wearing-LV bag carrying-women tend to be really kind and crazy about Max.

But that's not the inner evil that I want to talk about.

There are many challenges that I face as a mother. However, there is one that I find particularly difficult to overcome. It's not easy for me to talk about it but I think I have to go there. I have a tendency to spank Max. Spanking sound so innocent but really after the deed, I feel so incredibly awful. It's so against my belief because I know how it feels on the receiving end. Yet, I lashes out in moments of weakness and despair. I know that spanking is part of the asian upbringing but from my own experience it almost always lead to more. I cannot even start to tell my story but there have been moments in my life when I was "littler" that I cannot explain the bruises on my body to my school teachers. When I spank, it is not a smack on the hand or the thigh. In the worst moments I can even feel the sting on my own hand. I can see the fear and helplessness in Max's eyes and yet I cannot help myself. I think spanking which might lead to hitting sends a strong message of disrespect to a child. What am I saying to him when I spank him? Why is his normally loving mother suddenly a monster? Can he trust a caregiver who also hurts him? If I look at why and when I act out. It's often when I am tired, hungry, helpless and despair so when he's being difficult it's hard for me to find the strength to love him at these moments. Writing this out feels like I am letting steam off a high pressure cooker. It's in no way an excuse but it's helping me deal with it.

it is so obvious

My mantra for the past weeks have been "pace yourself, carolyn!". It has worked in most instances and I am giving myself more space than before. I am also more "tolerant" to myself, allowing myself to make mistakes and get angry. (Well, I used to and still get angry with myself for getting angry but it's getting better. Sick, I know but that's me.)

Settling down has done all of us good. This settling down feeling is kind of nice, I can put down the new address at the video-rental place, at amazon etc. Max gets the space he needs to play and move about. Vincent has a "home" to come to at the end of a long working day and I get the "base" to start planning out my new life.  As we all know by now, is all that I contemplate about in my free time. I think I have it now. As usual, it is not the easiest path but I think it will be worth it in a long term. There is no saying how it will work out but you know this feeling that things are right because so many pieces of the puzzle fall into the right place. Well, this is kind of it. I would like to teach chinese/mandarin to children as a private teacher. In a way, it sounds so obvious, isn't it. I mean it really ticks many boxes for me. The only catch is that I do have to catch up with my own chinese language skill.

1. I get to brush up my chinese
2. As I learn the "correct" technique to teaching chinese, Max will benefit from it too.
3. I love little people; I imagine little French people speaking chinese, how cute is that??
4. This is a great way to stay in touch with my "chinese-ness"
5. The hours are more or less flexible
6. There is definitely a market in Geneva for it
7. It will tickle my language-brain even more, which I like
8. This would not clash with my principle of "making more money for the people who has alot of money"

I know it is kind of "right" because I "happen" to find a school in Geneva, non-profit, that caters to the need of  oversea chineses like me. They even offer courses that trains Chinese teachers. I can even reach this school easily with a bus that's a five minute walk for our apartment. As I am writing this, I can increasingly uneasy because I am afraid that I might change my mind in a few weeks when I realize how tough it might be to learn the language. I guess this is the reason why I am afraid of making commitments, to myself and to others. I don't want to become one of those people who attempts to make their life work and fails miserably (in front of alot of people). On the other hand, perhaps putting this out there is a good way for me to be accountable.