Pacing myself

A beautiful quote from a book that I have recently read:

"How to measure a life's worth? The important thing is not the fact of dying, it's what you are doing at the moment of yor death."

Then a day later, on CNN, a story about a journalist. It's not so much that she was brave, filmed untold stories and did all sorts of crazy things in her life that made her story remarkable. In the face of death, she said that if she hadn't gone out and did all the things that she had done in her life, she would probably be panicking, running out sky-diving and travelling around the world. She explained as cool as a cucumber that it does not matter if she dies, two weeks or twenty years from now. In another word, she's just ready to go.

I have been feeling really frustrated because I do not know yet what I want to do with my life. It's like when I did not know what I want to become when I was growing up, I still don't really know. As I am writing this down and reading it back to myself. A few thoughts bubble from within. First of all, I am probably already doing something with my life. A stay-home mum is really a job on it's own. The responsibilites and commitment that came with it is pretty overwhelming and unexpectedly bigger than I thought. Perhaps, I just need some time to grow into the "job". Secondly, I guess I was just afraid. Afraid that if I do not know what I want to do, I might end up doing things that I don't want to. From experience, that's my life. I drift along and just end up doing what's conveniently lying in my path. I don't want to lose my future because I forget the present.

So, I have decided (together with my wonderful husband) that I will just have to pace myself. That's right, not dashing or sprinting but to run a marathon.Take time to figure out what I want and perhaps try out a few things the coming time. In a way, this is a luxury that I have at the moment. By the time, Max's ready to go to school, I should by ready to launch into something for myself. I am not exactly looking to build a career but I hope to be involved in some work that does more than just making money (not for myself and definitely not for others). This is something new that dawn on me since we have moved here. I will tell more about it in the next entry. I hope that by pacing myself and giving myself some time, I will find peace with my current situation, to enjoy time at home. At the risk of sounding like a drama queen, at the moment of my death (I romantically imagine that I would be dying lying on a chaise couch) I hope that I am not panicking, wishing I had done more with my life and most importantly I want to be proud of my life.

so now what??

It took me a long time to make this first entry although I am bursting with things to say because I could not make up my mind about what this blog should be about. I am not a born writer nor do I consider myself to be a particularly good one. I do not wish to make any kind of statement with this blog nor do I wish/expect to achieve any kind of commerical success with it. However, I do believe that this is a good way for me to stay in touch with some of my families and closest friends, perhaps this is even a way for them to get to know me better. I have been away from "home" for a long time and now being on the move again makes keeping touch with people a little challenging. I also enjoy writing and it helps me to sort out my thoughts....like talking out loud to onself....at least I do that.

So now that we got that clear...let me burst!

Here we are, a little over 2 weeks in Geneva, (offically in Gaillard, France) but pretty much just across the Swiss border. It's slowly dawning on me that I am a fulltime stay-home mum. (which mum, isn't working full time?!) At the moment, we are settling down, figuring out where, what, how, when, why everything is, spending quality family time together, visiting prospective apartments as our semi-permant home and everything that comes along with relocating. Personally, I am trying to figure out what my next steps should be as a person.

A few days ago, I had a small meltdown. I wonder how we got ourselves into this situation. I mean at our age, at this point in our lives, why are we trying to learn a new language, looking for new goals in life and figuring out where I can buy a new pillow?!?! Shouldn't we already be settled? Fortunately, after a "good" night sleep, I remembered again why we chose to be here. It's an opportunity of a life-time. Not just for Vincent because I am more and more convinced that he is making one of the best choices not just for his career but also as a person; more on that in the future. Technically, I should be really happy with this opportunity because I have always said that I would like to stay home for at least for one or two years with my baby. I have come to realize how fast they grow. In holland, we say that babies grow like cabbage, in Singapore I guess you can compare them to growing at the speed of "tao gei". On the other hand, I am at a complete lost about what to do. Don't get me wrong, I love being there when Max crawls for the first time, I love our slow lazy waking-up in bed in the mornings, my heart overflows with joy knowing that he sees me as a safe and reliable spot among the seas of children and toys in a playroom and I cannot describe the happiness I experience when he coos along when I sing to him. But I think his life and mine would be richer if I am also developed in other ways. Anyway, these are some of my choices:

A) A study....(communication, PR??)
B) Get the next technical job
C) Get a new job in a new field (dependent on A?)
D) Concentrate on being mum
E) Make another baby (do I really want that???)
F) A combination of some, if not, all of the above options

So are you ready to offer your suggestions and advice because I am ready to hear them out.