relationship

It is kind of difficult to believe that you are loved when you always feel like a burden and a disappointment to your parents.  I have been through many phases throughout my life trying to resolve these unpleasant and bitter feelings for them. There was the phase of really resenting them for not understanding me. Then I went through the phase of blaming myself for being such a difficult child/adult. Actually, I am still kind of in this phase. For the longest time, I believed that they must have so nuch regrets with a child like me. I took on a lot of blame upon myself.

Now, I know they must have loved me in their own way.

It is because of them that I want to learn to show my love to my child in a different way. Now I know that it is the responsibility of parents to love your child unconditionally.  Today, I finally looked at the situation and realized that a relationship is a two-way street (yes, even with your parents). There has to be a lot of giving and taking from both sides. At hind sight, I understand why my parents are the way they are but it does not take away the hurt and pain.

The other really difficult relationship I have is with my brother. There was never really an opportunity for me to love him because how could I when I was also looking for it myself? We are really different from each other and yet I am sure we are so similar (yucks!). I have always believed that he must have felt more love than I did because afterall he is the only boy in the family. After so many years, I wonder how much of it is true since he seeks warmth and friendships outside the family.

My sister, dearest little sister. I felt that I have disappointed and abandoned her when I left for Europe years ago. I do not know if I can ever make up for it? Today, I am paying for it because she too seeks her comfort and friendships elsewhere. A pain goes through my heart whenever I think of it.

Today, the only way for me to move on and release this knot in my heart is to accept these relationships the way that they are. I am not giving up on them but I would like to concentrate my energy on relationships that do work for me and build on them. Someday and somehow, I hope that a different type of relationship can be build on top of all these history.

arrrgggg

They say that home is the best so why is that whenever I think/plan about going home to Singapore, it's always so burdensome.

There is the logistical problem of flying alone with an infant. Apparently, if they are longer than 65 cm and weighs above 10kg, they are not allowed to use the bassinet anymore. That leaves two options:

1. They stay on your lap, the whole time. It's not an issue if the flight is say less than two hours but on the long flights?????

2. Buy an extra seat. Ok, but how do they sit or sleep? The options are really wonderfully narrow. There is the choice of getting a car seat. Sure, I will drag a car seat, a baby stroller, a diaper bag and a then 15 kilo baby. Or after much research, two other possibilities might work but they are both suspiciously expensive and not totally safe. It's a looooonnnng story.

I am not even going to start on the fact that we still have to catch a connecting flight to Singapore. Yeah, a car seat, a baby stroller, a diaper bag and a then 15 kilo baby. By the way, I might not even be allowed to bring a stroller along unless it fits into the overhead compartment in the plane. So perhaps a car seat, a diaper bag, a then 15 kilo baby and no stroller.

There is also the mental stress of having to stay with my parents. Not that they are the issue but...there are already 5 people in the 3 bedroom apartment with a dog. I cannot imagine their reaction if I bring up staying at a hotel again.

Alas, even the option of not going is not an option. I cannot bring myself to disappoint them.

I am totally cranky and full of complain. Not liking myself very much now.

an ordinary day....

It has been so long since I have had an ordinary day. It's ordinary and yet extraordinary.

Everything clicked. I guess for the first time since a long time, things were manageable, in fact I did not feel that I had to manage anything. It felt comfortable and I am at peace.

When I look at Max this afternoon, after our day out in town, I realized how much I missed him. It's a little crazy considering, we have already spent the day together. Even now, as I recall his mischievous looks, how he squeals in pleasure when we kiss and hug him, how he raises his hands in the air if he's feeling good or happy, how he tries to sing along, how he is full of glee when the door to our apartment building goes "vous pouvez entrez" (or something like that), I can feel bubbles in my heart and butterflies in my stomach. You know this is a very familar feeling, I think Í am actually falling very much in love with him.

Such an ordinary day to fall in love and definitely a day I don't want to forget.

where did the time go

for today anyway?

I had a little "accident" last weekend and my backache is acting up again. So the whole weekend, I was not particularly looking forward to today. However, the little one did not put up with any protest when he was put to bed (thrice). When he demanded to be carried, I just hugged and kissed him instead. He actually seemed to love it because a couple of times he crawled up to me and delivered his kisses. His version of kissing involves covering my entire nose with saliva and sometimes with a little bite as well. So it turned out to be a really nice day.

I really wonder where did the time go when he finally went to bed an hour ago. I think the prep-work last night helped alot. I was reminded once again to be mindful. According to the teaching of buddha, this is it:

1. Mindfulness is present-time awareness. It takes place in the here and now.

2. Mindfulness is nonjudgmental observation. It is that ability of the mind to observe without criticism. With this ability, one sees things without condemnation or judgment.

This is how I would explain mindfulness...it's like yo, when you wash your hands, don't wonder how they got so dirty in the first place and don't think about the lunch that you are going to have in an hour. Just be in front of the sink and wash your hands. So when I sit with Max on the floor to play and when I smile or look at him, I don't think about the hundreds of other household chores that I should be doing. I just want to be with him.

By being aware and being present with whatever I am doing, really saves me alot of mind-energy. I really loving the analogy that I read in a book that says...

Imagine that you are holding a bowl which is completely full with water. If you walk along with concentrated attention, very little water is spilled. But if you walk along with jerky, uncontrolled movements, a lot of water will be lost.


It has been too long since I rolled out my yoga mat but I am still a yogini practising in the little ways that I can. It is easier said than done but this will be my mantra for the coming time until it becomes easier for me.

PS: After the last entry, I was quite nervous about the feedbacks that I might get. Thankfully, I have received many encouraging words. People, thanks for being so non-judgemental!

PPS: Max also gets the credit for being a real good baby today.