It is kind of difficult to believe that you are loved when you always feel like a burden and a disappointment to your parents. I have been through many phases throughout my life trying to resolve these unpleasant and bitter feelings for them. There was the phase of really resenting them for not understanding me. Then I went through the phase of blaming myself for being such a difficult child/adult. Actually, I am still kind of in this phase. For the longest time, I believed that they must have so nuch regrets with a child like me. I took on a lot of blame upon myself.
Now, I know they must have loved me in their own way.
It is because of them that I want to learn to show my love to my child in a different way. Now I know that it is the responsibility of parents to love your child unconditionally. Today, I finally looked at the situation and realized that a relationship is a two-way street (yes, even with your parents). There has to be a lot of giving and taking from both sides. At hind sight, I understand why my parents are the way they are but it does not take away the hurt and pain.
The other really difficult relationship I have is with my brother. There was never really an opportunity for me to love him because how could I when I was also looking for it myself? We are really different from each other and yet I am sure we are so similar (yucks!). I have always believed that he must have felt more love than I did because afterall he is the only boy in the family. After so many years, I wonder how much of it is true since he seeks warmth and friendships outside the family.
My sister, dearest little sister. I felt that I have disappointed and abandoned her when I left for Europe years ago. I do not know if I can ever make up for it? Today, I am paying for it because she too seeks her comfort and friendships elsewhere. A pain goes through my heart whenever I think of it.
Today, the only way for me to move on and release this knot in my heart is to accept these relationships the way that they are. I am not giving up on them but I would like to concentrate my energy on relationships that do work for me and build on them. Someday and somehow, I hope that a different type of relationship can be build on top of all these history.
Big stone house
13 years ago
I think that the most important thing about family is that they MUST always be there. The same way you have to be there for them. It doesn't matter if you don't like each other too much.
ReplyDeleteI have really good friends, but if I ever find my self lying down under the rain, naked in a dark alley-way, it is my family the one that I would expect to pick me up and bring me home.
I don't know, it's kind of "it doesn't matter whether you do well or not, you are my family, so I have to be there for you". I guess that could be the Spanish way of understanding family.
I really understand that and I know that my family will come through for me in my darkest moment of need. However, between the spectrum of insanely happy and darkest moments, there is a vacuum of support and understanding (or even interest) from them. Perhaps I just wants my family to care about my life as it is - normal and full of ups and downs.
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