last one for 2009

I have always try to avoid writing cheesy and cliché subjects but this time I am just going to write one of those cheesy and cliché end-of-year-look-back entries so do bear with me. 2009 has been nerve-wreaking, challenging and exciting - in simple words.

In reality, there are so much ups and downs that it's difficult to honestly and accurately describe my year. The relocation to Geneva has a huge impact on our lives and sometimes I think if I look back at this year I might actually forget the fact that this is also the year that my son turned one, took his first steps, head-butted me with love for the first time, said his first words mama (tearing me up), crawled, smiled consciously etc - well, you get what I mean.

In 2009 I learnt relearnt about laughter, compassion, tolerant, patient, love, anger, anxiety and trust. In 2009, I think I have laughed on a daily basis in my daily life. I was grateful at the end of each day and I looked forward to the start of the next day. I am grateful for my husband, my son, my health, my families, my friends and the opportunities that were placed on my path. I hope that with the coming year, I will be a better person. A person who can truly love and give - yet stay true and not boring .....hahaha - in another word I hope that 2010 will be a year that I start to love and give with no reservation and no expectation. I also strive in 2010  to become a person who is neither optimistic nor pessimitic but a realist. To go with the flow and not give up when the ride gets rough.  I look forward to the new year to a new life and I am ready to march into the parades of life.

“ The sage has no interest of his own, but takes the interests of the people as his own. He is kind to the kind; he is also kind to the unkind: for Virtue is kind. He is faithful to the faithful; he is also faithful to the unfaithful: for Virtue is faithful. ”



— Chapter 49, Tao Teh Ching

Dearest friends and families, I wish you all the happiness, goodness and love for 2010. May all your resolutions, wishes, plans and ambitions come true.

Limbo

Yeah - that's the state that we are in right now. Vincent's probation period has been extended by another 3 months. We've just heard of it last week and it has stirred up a little storm.

I think, on one hand, it's not really such a big deal. If and only if everything works out in the end!! For Vincent, I can only imagine how de-motivating and discouraging it is. All the work and the effort and the hours and the energy that he has been putting in. On the home front and for me personally, it is a little inconvenient now, because I feel like we kind of have to be on the go at any moment. It does not make a lot of sense to make any concrete commitment like going to french classes or join any children's club - considering how expensive everything is and the financial burden that it will become suppose it does not work out! Talking about financial burden. No, I don't even want to go there, sistas and brothas!

It's a little bit of a shame considering it is almost christmas, a time to be resting, recharging and rejoicing with the family. (well, at least for me it is) But I refused to be too affected by it. There are also many reasons to be celebrating and be thankful for.

1. Max will turn one in 9 days (can you believe it???)
2. I am in a very previlige position of running a household and watching Max grow in such close proximity
3. We are still happily married (phew!)

and perhaps another 100 other reasons if I put my heart into it....

You know, in a way I am really happy about our decision to stick together and come to Geneva as a family. True that there is less stability financially but the support that we can provide and have given to each other is really priceless. In chinese it is called 患难见真情!

PS: Sorry for the lack of post....
PPS: If we don't talk before Christmas, have a good one anyway!!
PPPS: If we don't meet up in Holland, while we are there, we really do regret it!

With a lot of love and good wishes,
Carolyn

relationship

It is kind of difficult to believe that you are loved when you always feel like a burden and a disappointment to your parents.  I have been through many phases throughout my life trying to resolve these unpleasant and bitter feelings for them. There was the phase of really resenting them for not understanding me. Then I went through the phase of blaming myself for being such a difficult child/adult. Actually, I am still kind of in this phase. For the longest time, I believed that they must have so nuch regrets with a child like me. I took on a lot of blame upon myself.

Now, I know they must have loved me in their own way.

It is because of them that I want to learn to show my love to my child in a different way. Now I know that it is the responsibility of parents to love your child unconditionally.  Today, I finally looked at the situation and realized that a relationship is a two-way street (yes, even with your parents). There has to be a lot of giving and taking from both sides. At hind sight, I understand why my parents are the way they are but it does not take away the hurt and pain.

The other really difficult relationship I have is with my brother. There was never really an opportunity for me to love him because how could I when I was also looking for it myself? We are really different from each other and yet I am sure we are so similar (yucks!). I have always believed that he must have felt more love than I did because afterall he is the only boy in the family. After so many years, I wonder how much of it is true since he seeks warmth and friendships outside the family.

My sister, dearest little sister. I felt that I have disappointed and abandoned her when I left for Europe years ago. I do not know if I can ever make up for it? Today, I am paying for it because she too seeks her comfort and friendships elsewhere. A pain goes through my heart whenever I think of it.

Today, the only way for me to move on and release this knot in my heart is to accept these relationships the way that they are. I am not giving up on them but I would like to concentrate my energy on relationships that do work for me and build on them. Someday and somehow, I hope that a different type of relationship can be build on top of all these history.

arrrgggg

They say that home is the best so why is that whenever I think/plan about going home to Singapore, it's always so burdensome.

There is the logistical problem of flying alone with an infant. Apparently, if they are longer than 65 cm and weighs above 10kg, they are not allowed to use the bassinet anymore. That leaves two options:

1. They stay on your lap, the whole time. It's not an issue if the flight is say less than two hours but on the long flights?????

2. Buy an extra seat. Ok, but how do they sit or sleep? The options are really wonderfully narrow. There is the choice of getting a car seat. Sure, I will drag a car seat, a baby stroller, a diaper bag and a then 15 kilo baby. Or after much research, two other possibilities might work but they are both suspiciously expensive and not totally safe. It's a looooonnnng story.

I am not even going to start on the fact that we still have to catch a connecting flight to Singapore. Yeah, a car seat, a baby stroller, a diaper bag and a then 15 kilo baby. By the way, I might not even be allowed to bring a stroller along unless it fits into the overhead compartment in the plane. So perhaps a car seat, a diaper bag, a then 15 kilo baby and no stroller.

There is also the mental stress of having to stay with my parents. Not that they are the issue but...there are already 5 people in the 3 bedroom apartment with a dog. I cannot imagine their reaction if I bring up staying at a hotel again.

Alas, even the option of not going is not an option. I cannot bring myself to disappoint them.

I am totally cranky and full of complain. Not liking myself very much now.

an ordinary day....

It has been so long since I have had an ordinary day. It's ordinary and yet extraordinary.

Everything clicked. I guess for the first time since a long time, things were manageable, in fact I did not feel that I had to manage anything. It felt comfortable and I am at peace.

When I look at Max this afternoon, after our day out in town, I realized how much I missed him. It's a little crazy considering, we have already spent the day together. Even now, as I recall his mischievous looks, how he squeals in pleasure when we kiss and hug him, how he raises his hands in the air if he's feeling good or happy, how he tries to sing along, how he is full of glee when the door to our apartment building goes "vous pouvez entrez" (or something like that), I can feel bubbles in my heart and butterflies in my stomach. You know this is a very familar feeling, I think Í am actually falling very much in love with him.

Such an ordinary day to fall in love and definitely a day I don't want to forget.

where did the time go

for today anyway?

I had a little "accident" last weekend and my backache is acting up again. So the whole weekend, I was not particularly looking forward to today. However, the little one did not put up with any protest when he was put to bed (thrice). When he demanded to be carried, I just hugged and kissed him instead. He actually seemed to love it because a couple of times he crawled up to me and delivered his kisses. His version of kissing involves covering my entire nose with saliva and sometimes with a little bite as well. So it turned out to be a really nice day.

I really wonder where did the time go when he finally went to bed an hour ago. I think the prep-work last night helped alot. I was reminded once again to be mindful. According to the teaching of buddha, this is it:

1. Mindfulness is present-time awareness. It takes place in the here and now.

2. Mindfulness is nonjudgmental observation. It is that ability of the mind to observe without criticism. With this ability, one sees things without condemnation or judgment.

This is how I would explain mindfulness...it's like yo, when you wash your hands, don't wonder how they got so dirty in the first place and don't think about the lunch that you are going to have in an hour. Just be in front of the sink and wash your hands. So when I sit with Max on the floor to play and when I smile or look at him, I don't think about the hundreds of other household chores that I should be doing. I just want to be with him.

By being aware and being present with whatever I am doing, really saves me alot of mind-energy. I really loving the analogy that I read in a book that says...

Imagine that you are holding a bowl which is completely full with water. If you walk along with concentrated attention, very little water is spilled. But if you walk along with jerky, uncontrolled movements, a lot of water will be lost.


It has been too long since I rolled out my yoga mat but I am still a yogini practising in the little ways that I can. It is easier said than done but this will be my mantra for the coming time until it becomes easier for me.

PS: After the last entry, I was quite nervous about the feedbacks that I might get. Thankfully, I have received many encouraging words. People, thanks for being so non-judgemental!

PPS: Max also gets the credit for being a real good baby today.

Do re mi

my inner evil

Two entries ago, I mentioned something new that dawned on me. That something new is not really new but it has come up to me in a new light since we are in Geneva. Making more money for people that already has money is just not going to cut it for me anymore. It's not that I was doing that but it could easily have been an important factor for my next job. Living in a place like Geneva can easily throw you off balance. People are extremely poshed and well-dressed. It's not something I am used to anymore. Once, I was caught off guard on the public transport wearing an old coat stained with milk and covered under bread and or cookie crumbs standing next to one of these 50-year-old-Chanel-sunglasses-wearing-LV bag carrying-women. Actually, now I don't care that much. In fact, I think it's funny and I don't mind sticking out like a sore thumb sometimes. Furthermore, these 50-year-old-Chanel sunglasses-wearing-LV bag carrying-women tend to be really kind and crazy about Max.

But that's not the inner evil that I want to talk about.

There are many challenges that I face as a mother. However, there is one that I find particularly difficult to overcome. It's not easy for me to talk about it but I think I have to go there. I have a tendency to spank Max. Spanking sound so innocent but really after the deed, I feel so incredibly awful. It's so against my belief because I know how it feels on the receiving end. Yet, I lashes out in moments of weakness and despair. I know that spanking is part of the asian upbringing but from my own experience it almost always lead to more. I cannot even start to tell my story but there have been moments in my life when I was "littler" that I cannot explain the bruises on my body to my school teachers. When I spank, it is not a smack on the hand or the thigh. In the worst moments I can even feel the sting on my own hand. I can see the fear and helplessness in Max's eyes and yet I cannot help myself. I think spanking which might lead to hitting sends a strong message of disrespect to a child. What am I saying to him when I spank him? Why is his normally loving mother suddenly a monster? Can he trust a caregiver who also hurts him? If I look at why and when I act out. It's often when I am tired, hungry, helpless and despair so when he's being difficult it's hard for me to find the strength to love him at these moments. Writing this out feels like I am letting steam off a high pressure cooker. It's in no way an excuse but it's helping me deal with it.

it is so obvious

My mantra for the past weeks have been "pace yourself, carolyn!". It has worked in most instances and I am giving myself more space than before. I am also more "tolerant" to myself, allowing myself to make mistakes and get angry. (Well, I used to and still get angry with myself for getting angry but it's getting better. Sick, I know but that's me.)

Settling down has done all of us good. This settling down feeling is kind of nice, I can put down the new address at the video-rental place, at amazon etc. Max gets the space he needs to play and move about. Vincent has a "home" to come to at the end of a long working day and I get the "base" to start planning out my new life.  As we all know by now, is all that I contemplate about in my free time. I think I have it now. As usual, it is not the easiest path but I think it will be worth it in a long term. There is no saying how it will work out but you know this feeling that things are right because so many pieces of the puzzle fall into the right place. Well, this is kind of it. I would like to teach chinese/mandarin to children as a private teacher. In a way, it sounds so obvious, isn't it. I mean it really ticks many boxes for me. The only catch is that I do have to catch up with my own chinese language skill.

1. I get to brush up my chinese
2. As I learn the "correct" technique to teaching chinese, Max will benefit from it too.
3. I love little people; I imagine little French people speaking chinese, how cute is that??
4. This is a great way to stay in touch with my "chinese-ness"
5. The hours are more or less flexible
6. There is definitely a market in Geneva for it
7. It will tickle my language-brain even more, which I like
8. This would not clash with my principle of "making more money for the people who has alot of money"

I know it is kind of "right" because I "happen" to find a school in Geneva, non-profit, that caters to the need of  oversea chineses like me. They even offer courses that trains Chinese teachers. I can even reach this school easily with a bus that's a five minute walk for our apartment. As I am writing this, I can increasingly uneasy because I am afraid that I might change my mind in a few weeks when I realize how tough it might be to learn the language. I guess this is the reason why I am afraid of making commitments, to myself and to others. I don't want to become one of those people who attempts to make their life work and fails miserably (in front of alot of people). On the other hand, perhaps putting this out there is a good way for me to be accountable.

Pacing myself

A beautiful quote from a book that I have recently read:

"How to measure a life's worth? The important thing is not the fact of dying, it's what you are doing at the moment of yor death."

Then a day later, on CNN, a story about a journalist. It's not so much that she was brave, filmed untold stories and did all sorts of crazy things in her life that made her story remarkable. In the face of death, she said that if she hadn't gone out and did all the things that she had done in her life, she would probably be panicking, running out sky-diving and travelling around the world. She explained as cool as a cucumber that it does not matter if she dies, two weeks or twenty years from now. In another word, she's just ready to go.

I have been feeling really frustrated because I do not know yet what I want to do with my life. It's like when I did not know what I want to become when I was growing up, I still don't really know. As I am writing this down and reading it back to myself. A few thoughts bubble from within. First of all, I am probably already doing something with my life. A stay-home mum is really a job on it's own. The responsibilites and commitment that came with it is pretty overwhelming and unexpectedly bigger than I thought. Perhaps, I just need some time to grow into the "job". Secondly, I guess I was just afraid. Afraid that if I do not know what I want to do, I might end up doing things that I don't want to. From experience, that's my life. I drift along and just end up doing what's conveniently lying in my path. I don't want to lose my future because I forget the present.

So, I have decided (together with my wonderful husband) that I will just have to pace myself. That's right, not dashing or sprinting but to run a marathon.Take time to figure out what I want and perhaps try out a few things the coming time. In a way, this is a luxury that I have at the moment. By the time, Max's ready to go to school, I should by ready to launch into something for myself. I am not exactly looking to build a career but I hope to be involved in some work that does more than just making money (not for myself and definitely not for others). This is something new that dawn on me since we have moved here. I will tell more about it in the next entry. I hope that by pacing myself and giving myself some time, I will find peace with my current situation, to enjoy time at home. At the risk of sounding like a drama queen, at the moment of my death (I romantically imagine that I would be dying lying on a chaise couch) I hope that I am not panicking, wishing I had done more with my life and most importantly I want to be proud of my life.

so now what??

It took me a long time to make this first entry although I am bursting with things to say because I could not make up my mind about what this blog should be about. I am not a born writer nor do I consider myself to be a particularly good one. I do not wish to make any kind of statement with this blog nor do I wish/expect to achieve any kind of commerical success with it. However, I do believe that this is a good way for me to stay in touch with some of my families and closest friends, perhaps this is even a way for them to get to know me better. I have been away from "home" for a long time and now being on the move again makes keeping touch with people a little challenging. I also enjoy writing and it helps me to sort out my thoughts....like talking out loud to onself....at least I do that.

So now that we got that clear...let me burst!

Here we are, a little over 2 weeks in Geneva, (offically in Gaillard, France) but pretty much just across the Swiss border. It's slowly dawning on me that I am a fulltime stay-home mum. (which mum, isn't working full time?!) At the moment, we are settling down, figuring out where, what, how, when, why everything is, spending quality family time together, visiting prospective apartments as our semi-permant home and everything that comes along with relocating. Personally, I am trying to figure out what my next steps should be as a person.

A few days ago, I had a small meltdown. I wonder how we got ourselves into this situation. I mean at our age, at this point in our lives, why are we trying to learn a new language, looking for new goals in life and figuring out where I can buy a new pillow?!?! Shouldn't we already be settled? Fortunately, after a "good" night sleep, I remembered again why we chose to be here. It's an opportunity of a life-time. Not just for Vincent because I am more and more convinced that he is making one of the best choices not just for his career but also as a person; more on that in the future. Technically, I should be really happy with this opportunity because I have always said that I would like to stay home for at least for one or two years with my baby. I have come to realize how fast they grow. In holland, we say that babies grow like cabbage, in Singapore I guess you can compare them to growing at the speed of "tao gei". On the other hand, I am at a complete lost about what to do. Don't get me wrong, I love being there when Max crawls for the first time, I love our slow lazy waking-up in bed in the mornings, my heart overflows with joy knowing that he sees me as a safe and reliable spot among the seas of children and toys in a playroom and I cannot describe the happiness I experience when he coos along when I sing to him. But I think his life and mine would be richer if I am also developed in other ways. Anyway, these are some of my choices:

A) A study....(communication, PR??)
B) Get the next technical job
C) Get a new job in a new field (dependent on A?)
D) Concentrate on being mum
E) Make another baby (do I really want that???)
F) A combination of some, if not, all of the above options

So are you ready to offer your suggestions and advice because I am ready to hear them out.